Almond Croissants from Peel: Brutally Honest Guide

Welcome to Almond Croissants from Peel: A Witty Autopsy

Gather 'round, gluten fiends and almond aficionados. Today we dissect Peel's almond croissants in a way only a British comedian at a family dinner could: with barely restrained contempt and unapologetic glee.

If you’ve never had an almond croissant from Peel, picture a posh French pastry with a nut allergy, now cured—delicious, right? It's the kind of treat that screams, “I have disposable income and a therapist.”

Ingredients: Because You Clearly Can’t Handle Simplicity

• Croissants (preferably from Peel, unless you enjoy the taste of disappointment)
• Almond cream (also called frangipane; don’t look it up in public)
• Sliced almonds (nature’s way of reminding you some food is basically wood chips)
• Powdered sugar (for the illusion of sophistication)
• Butter (the answer to every question you should never ask your doctor)
• Eggs (not the reason for your cholesterol, but let’s pretend)
• Sugar (because you hate your teeth)
• Almond extract (optional, for those whose taste buds are dead inside)

Step-By-Step Instructions: Comedy of Errors

1. Acquire Croissants: Buy from Peel. Or don’t. I’m not your financial advisor. Stale is good—it makes you feel less guilty about slathering them in fat. 2. Slice Open the Croissants: Imagine you’re gutting your ex’s apology letter—clean, swift, slightly vengeful. 3. Prepare Almond Cream: Blend butter, sugar, eggs, almond extract, and ground almonds. If you have to Google ‘blend,’ just order delivery. 4. Stuff ‘Em: Fill the croissant with enough almond cream to make it look obscenely overstuffed; moderation is for salads. 5. Slather and Top: Spread more frangipane on top. Shower with sliced almonds. Generosity is sexy. 6. Bake Until Golden: About 15 minutes at 180°C (or 350°F, for the Americans who still think air fryers are magic). You want gold, not charcoal—unless you hate your housemates. 7. Dust and Serve: Finish with powdered sugar—a little, or enough to hide the shame. Serve warm to avoid questions.

Tips & Variations: Nuance for Those Who Care

• Go Vegan: Swap eggs and butter for the vegan stuff. It won’t taste like Peel’s, but you can brag on Instagram.
• Add Booze: Rum or Amaretto in the frangipane? Yes—what’s breakfast without regret?
• Extra Crunch: Toast more almonds and act like it was intentional when you burn them.
• Time Saver: Skip making almond cream and buy it pre-made. Spend the saved time judging others.

"Almond croissants: because nothing says ‘self-care’ like consuming your weekly calories before noon."

Nutrition Information: The Hurtful Truth

Nutrient	Amount per Croissant	% Daily Regret
Calories	450–550	100%
Fat	32g	99%
Sugar	25g	150%
Protein	7g	Meh.
Sodium	310mg	Salty AF

> Pull Quote: "If you want health, eat a salad. If you want happiness, eat a Peel almond croissant and lie to your fitness tracker."

Ready to unbutton your jeans and question your life choices? Head to Peel, grab an almond croissant, and thank me when your taste buds start therapy. Bon appétit!