BBQ Brisket: Smoke, Fire, Regret

Welcome to the Dark Arts of BBQ Brisket

Look, not everyone’s born a pitmaster. Most of us are barely born cooks. But if you’ve stumbled into the world of BBQ brisket, congratulations: you’re now ready to lose sleep, friends, and a small piece of your dignity. Yes, it’s that serious. If you think brisket is just fancy beef, you probably think sarcasm is just a British weather pattern.

The Ingredients List: Therapy Not Included

• 1 whole beef brisket (10–12 pounds). Or as your cardiologist calls it: "my new car."
• 1/4 cup kosher salt (because regular salt evidently wasn’t pretentious enough).
• 1/4 cup coarse ground black pepper. If you use pre-ground, we’re judging you.
• ¼ cup paprika. Adds colour so you can Instagram your failure.
• 2 tbsp garlic powder. Yes, the powder your breath will regret.
• 2 tbsp onion powder. Subtlety is overrated.
• 1/4 cup brown sugar. Because “diabetes” is just a word, right?
• Optional: Cayenne pepper. For when you want to really test your friendships.
• Wood chips for smoking. Bonus points if you’ve chopped down your neighbour's tree.

Step-by-Step Disaster (I Mean, Instructions)

1. Start by trimming the fat cap. Leave about ¼" because fat is flavour, and regret is seasoning.
2. Mix the rub ingredients like you’re on a low-budget cooking show. Slather it on. Massage the meat—your therapy provider will love hearing about this.
3. Preheat your smoker to 225°F (107°C). Or, as most ovens read: “Ha, good luck.”
4. Add wood chips. Choose hickory, oak, or whatever’s cheapest. Remember, you’re not made of money—unless you are, in which case, why are you cooking brisket?
5. Place the brisket in the smoker, fat side up. This ensures gravity does something at least mildly useful.
6. Smoke for 1.5 hours per pound. This is not a typo—cancel your weekend plans.
7. After 6–8 hours (or the time it takes to lose custody of your kids), wrap the brisket in butcher paper or foil. Purists will judge you either way.
8. Return to smoker until the internal temperature hits 203°F (95°C). Not 202°F. Not 204°F. Science, baby!
9. Rest the brisket under a towel in a cooler for at least an hour. If you can resist, apply for sainthood.
10. Slice against the grain. Because if you slice with it, you’ll be mocked at BBQ therapy sessions forever.

Tips, Variations, and Ways to Upset a Texan

• Use mustard as a binder before the rub. Texans might disapprove, but these are probably the same people who still buy CDs.
• Swap in different wood: fruit woods for sweetness or mesquite for that “lost-my-taste-buds” effect.
• Brisket burnt ends: Cube the point, toss in more sauce, smoke again. Impress your friends or just yourself (because frankly, who’s left after 12 hours?).
• Marinades are for the brave or the bored. You choose.
• Want to go vegan? Order a salad and stop reading.

Nutrition Information: Ignorance is Bliss

Notes:

• Actual results may vary. Consult your health professional or local cardiologist immediately after enjoying.
• Adding sauce, extra sides, or guilt may affect totals.

Final Thought: Don’t Blame the Brisket

So there you have it. Smoking brisket isn’t just a meal, it’s a full-blown relationship drama. It will consume your time, test your patience, and—if you’re lucky—your cholesterol threshold. But for that first juicy, smoky bite? It might all just be worth it.

Got questions, critiques, or existential crises? Leave a comment. We’re here to judge, support, and make you feel better about your life choices.

Now, go forth and brisket! Or just order pizza. No judgment.