Breakfast Boxes: Comedy in a Cardboard Container

Is That Breakfast Box for Eating or Mockery?

Let’s talk breakfast boxes. Because clearly, assembling breakfast in a box is what humanity evolved for—right after discovering fire and three-day-old cold pizza. A breakfast box: a sad, cuboid reminder of your lost dignity and diminishing cooking skills. Essentially, it’s like an apology from your fridge for giving up on you, packaged with tape and probable self-loathing.

"A breakfast box is what happens when Pinterest meets existential dread."

Everything But Your Dignity: Ingredients List

Let’s see what culinary treasures these boxes hold! You’ll need:

• 2 eggs (for protein, or as a metaphor for your fragile emotions)
• 2 rashers of bacon (or that weird vegan stuff you can’t pronounce)
• 1 small croissant (to add a whiff of European disappointment)
• A miniature tub of jam (why are the tubs never just full size?)
• Coffee sachet stained with the tears of baristas everywhere
• A sad, token piece of fruit (because scurvy is out this season)
• A cardboard box—preferably recycled, like your best ideas

And for those feeling adventurous:

• A gluten-free muffin (so dry, it could soak up Brexit)
• Fancy napkin to remind you of better days

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Step-by-Step: Because You Need Directions for a Box

1. Admire the Packaging: Because someone got paid, presumably, to design this. 2. Open with Caution: Who knows what feelings might escape? 3. Arrange the Contents: Instagram needs proof you ate. Or tried. 4. Reheat: If you dare. Your microwave’s dignity is also on the line. 5. Assemble: Combine items in whatever order your therapist recommends. 6. Eat Alone: That’s not a step, it’s just inevitability.

Pull Quote: "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Said no one eating from a box."

Tips & Variations: Fancify Your Disrespect

• Swap out the bacon for tofu: If your tastebuds have committed a crime.
• Add hot sauce: To feel alive, or at least awake.
• Pair with mimosa: Because it’s 8:30 am somewhere, and we all make choices.
• Upgrade your box: Try a shoe box. At least it comes with a sole (get it?).

Pro Tip: Call it a ‘gourmet breakfast experience’ if anyone asks. They’ll think you’re trendy, or possibly just in crisis.

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Nutrition Information: The Nitty Gritty

Item	Calories	Comments
Bacon	150	Like guilt, but more delicious
Eggs	140	Pure protein, unless you add cheese
Croissant	200	Fluffy, but harbours secrets
Fruit	60	For appearances only, probably decorative
Coffee	0	Unless you count existential jitters
Muffin	290	Absorbs both liquids and sadness
Total	840	Give or take your will to live

> “Remember: it’s only unhealthy if you admit you ate it.”

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Go On, Try It—Misery Loves Company

Ready to assemble your own breakfast box? Or—hear me out—perhaps cook an actual breakfast. But then, why break a decades-old tradition of minimal effort? Tag a friend who deserves a box full of sarcasm for breakfast.