Fries: The Only Salad That Matters

Let’s Get Salty: Why Fries Are Everyone’s Favorite Food Group

They say you are what you eat, which makes me wonder—are we all just fries in disguise? Think about it. Golden, crispy on the outside, hollow (emotionally, at least) on the inside. If you’re counting calories, good for you, but remember: nobody ever cried into a salad and felt better afterward.

So, welcome. If you prefer your vegetables fried and your humor slightly burned, you’ve found the jackpot. Today, we’re getting real about fries—the world’s most socially acceptable form of public self-sabotage.

Ingredients That Make Fries Great (Or at Least More Excusable)

If you want to fail at making friends but succeed at making fries, here’s what you’ll need:

• Potatoes (the brown, lumpy reminders of your goals)
• Oil (vegetable, canola, or whatever your cardiologist begs you to avoid)
• Salt (just like your personality)
• Optional: Pepper, garlic powder, paprika, chili flakes—anything to cover up existential dread

You’ll notice there’s no kale. That’s intentional. You’re welcome.

Step-by-Step: How to Transform Sad Tubers into Joy Sticks

1. Peel the Potatoes: Or don’t. Life’s too short, and fiber is the closest you’ll get to health here.
2. Slice with Caution: Aim for uniform sticks, but it’s fries, not brain surgery. Irregular shapes add character (and increase your chances of biting into a rogue chunk and chipping a tooth).
3. Soak: Dump those sticks in cold water for 30 minutes. This removes extra starch, so when someone pretends to be surprised by how good your fries are, you can smugly say, "It’s all about the soak."
4. Dry Them Like Your Last Relationship: Water and hot oil are a worse mix than tequila and texting.
5. Heat Your Oil: 350°F (175°C), or as hot as your last Tinder date claimed to be.
6. First Fry: Cook in batches for 3-4 minutes. They’ll look pale and underwhelming, much like my enthusiasm for small talk.
7. Drain, Wait, Then Refry: Let them sulk for a few minutes, then return to the oil for another 2-3 minutes. Now they crisp up, and suddenly everyone wants a piece—relatable.
8. Salt Liberally: Because life is bland enough as it is.

Creative Twists: Because Regular Fries Are for Quitters

• Cheesy Fries: Melt enough cheese to clog your arteries. The only melting point you care about.
• Spicy Friezilla: Add chili flakes and watch your guests question your friendship.
• Herbivore’s Dream: Sprinkle with truffle oil and pretend you have class.
• Sweet Potato Fries: For people who want to pretend they made a healthier choice. (Not fooling anyone)

Nutritional Breakdown: Or, Why Not Just Eat the Whole Bag?

Let’s face it: nobody eats just six fries and calls it a day. Here’s the brutal honesty, with all the sensitivity of a chainsaw:

Fry Type	Calories (per 100g)	Fat (g)	Carbs (g)	Sodium (mg)
Classic Potato	312	15	41	210
Sweet Potato	300	14	45	180
Shoestring	318	17	40	225

Remember, these numbers are suggestions, not laws. And topping them with cheese? Now that’s tax evasion for your arteries.

Time to Fry: Because You Only Live Once, Unfortunately

If your heart can handle it and your conscience can’t, go ahead and make fries tonight. Forget trends, smash that fryer, and let the haters eat celery. And don’t forget to laugh, because greasy fingers are best cleaned with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

Next Step:

Invite your least favorite health nut over. Fry up a batch. Watch as their kale loyalty wavers. Enjoy the only salad that truly matters—the one that’s deep-fried and covered in salt. Bon appétit (or, as we like to say, good luck).