Kipper Bap: The Most British Breakfast Mashup

Introduction

Ah, the kipper bap—a union of smoked fish and bread that screams, “I’ve given up on continental breakfast, and life in general, but I still enjoy chewing.” Forget avocado toast. This is the culinary equivalent of patching a flat tire with a Band-Aid. Only in Britain could we create a dish that combines two things you don’t expect at breakfast: fish and regret.

Ingredients List

• 1 smoked kipper (the smellier the better—because why should your housemates ever speak to you again?)
• 1 large bap (or whatever bread roll you have that’s hardest to digest before 11am)
• Butter (slather it on, because cholesterol is a myth invented by weak people)
• Optional extras: wedge of lemon, black pepper, rocket, hangover-induced self-loathing

Step-by-Step Instructions

1. Find a kipper. Good luck with that. Most supermarkets stock them behind a wall of shame and regret. 2. Cook the kipper. Ideally, poach it gently. Or just microwave it—because if you care about flavor, you wouldn’t be making this anyway. 3. Butter your bap. And I mean really butter it. This thing needs to slip out of your hands and straight into the abyss. 4. Assemble the bap: Lay the kipper on the bap. Add any extras—but let’s not kid ourselves. No one eats a kipper bap for the salad. 5. Serve. To your worst enemy, or someone you want to impress with your utter lack of shame.

Tips & Variations

• Swap the bap for a bagel, if you like your breakfasts cosmopolitan and your indigestion foreign.
• Add a fried egg, mainly to distract from the fact you’ve just eaten a fish sandwich for breakfast.
• Vegetarian? Just eat the bap and tell everyone about it, because we all know you need us to know.

"The kipper bap: because nothing says 'good morning' like a tidal wave of salt and existential dread."

Nutrition Information

Nutrient	Average Quantity
Calories	384
Protein	21g
Fat	19g
Carbohydrates	32g
Regret	Immeasurable

Pull Quote:

"You are what you eat, so after a kipper bap, prepare for some odd aromas and questionable decisions."

Final Thoughts

So, hats off to the kipper bap—a sandwich so bleak, it makes porridge look like confetti. If you’re feeling daring, or your taste buds are simply masochists, give it a whirl. Who knows? You might just love it, or at the very least, you’ll have a new reason to avoid British breakfast tables for life.

Ready to face your culinary fears? Get that kipper, grab that bap, and start chewing through your feelings!