Korean Hot Honey Burger

Welcome to the Spiciest Bad Decision You'll Ever Eat

If you’re looking for a bland, safe meal—might I recommend the plain rice in your cupboard? For the rest of us, today’s special is the Korean Hot Honey Burger, a culinary thrill ride that’ll leave your taste buds tingling and your dignity in question. Like a first date that goes too well to be sane, this burger might just change you. Or at the very least, your digestive tract.

Dangerous Ingredients: Only Proceed If You Have Taste Buds

Before you begin, assemble the following. You have two choices: follow this list, or wing it and blame me later.

• Beef burger patties (or plant-based, if cows aren’t your thing)
• Coarse sea salt & cracked black pepper (pretentious, but go with it)
• Cheddar cheese slices (the sharper, the better, like this wit)
• Brioche buns (or any soft bun—don’t DM me about your gluten intolerance)
• Korean gochujang paste (spicy fermented magic)
• Honey (the thing that makes the wasps worth it)
• Soy sauce (liquid salt, basically)
• Rice vinegar
• Sesame oil
• Garlic cloves, minced (to ward off bland food and vampires)
• Thinly-sliced cucumber (for those who want to pretend this is healthy)
• Kimchi (optional, only if you enjoy food that fights back)
• Butter lettuce leaves
• Red onion, thinly sliced

Wait for applause or a lawsuit.

The How-To Guide To Questionable Life Choices

You’ve read a recipe before, but not like this. Here’s the process in the kind of detail reserved for assembling nuclear weapons.

1. The Almighty Sauce: In a bowl, mix 2 tbsp gochujang, 2 tbsp honey, 1 tbsp soy sauce, 1 tsp rice vinegar, 1 tsp sesame oil, and—brace yourself—2 cloves minced garlic. Stir until your arm hurts or until it looks Instagrammable.
2. Burger Time: Season your beef (or sad veggie alternative) patty with salt and pepper. Grill, pan-fry, or passive-aggressively sear to desired doneness—anything below medium-rare and we can’t be friends. Top with cheddar: melt it till it’s drooling off the sides like a teenager at a K-pop concert.
3. Toasting the Buns: Slice those brioche beauties and lightly toast. Not burnt—that’s a different recipe (and a personal failure).
4. Assembly (a.k.a Burger Jenga):
   • Bun base
   • Lettuce leaf (token attempt at health)
   • Burger with melted cheese
   • Drizzle hot honey gochujang sauce like a maniac
   • Add cucumber, onion, and kimchi (if you dare)
   • Bun lid
5. Eat & Regret: If you’re not crying from happiness or capsaicin, you did something wrong.

Additional Ways to Sabotage Your Self-Esteem

• Swap cheddar for mozzarella if you hate joy.
• Try chicken or tofu for variety or if you enjoy disappointment.
• Add a fried egg, because who needs dignity?
• Turn the sauce into a dipping sauce for fries—because calories don’t count on your blog.

Crunching the Numbers: Nutrition That Will Haunt You

Item	Calories	Protein	Sugars	Sarcasm Factor
Single Burger	550-750	25g	13g	Too High
With Kimchi	+25	+1g	+2g	Untold
With Egg	+80	+6g	0g	Unmeasurable

Nobody eats this for a six-pack, unless you mean of beer.

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If you made it this far, you’re either very brave or very bored. Next: invite friends over to share this caloric masterpiece, or eat alone and tell nobody. Your secret’s safe. Until tomorrow’s blog post.