Lemon and Herb Orzo with Grilled Halloumi

For Those Who Love Food and Emotional Turbulence

If you’re easily offended, congratulations—you’ve found the perfect blog post to ruin your day and question your life choices. Today’s recipe is Lemon and Herb Orzo with Grilled Halloumi, which is not only vegetarian, but also delicious enough to make you forget that it’s not steak. Don’t worry, carnivores, you can still sneer condescendingly at the rest of us from your meat pedestal while secretly wanting to lick the pan.

Brace yourselves. This orzo dish is zesty, bright, and herbaceous—unlike most first dates. And then there’s grilled halloumi, the cheese that squeaks when you chew it, because even your food is judging you tonight.

Get Out Your Wallets: Ingredients List

Before embarking on this culinary adventure, here’s what you’ll need. Apologies in advance if your grocery store is missing half of it.

• 250g orzo pasta (because rice is too mainstream)
• 200g halloumi cheese (the only cheese legally allowed to squeak)
• Zest and juice of 1 lemon (let’s pretend that’s not vague about lemon size)
• 2 tbsp olive oil (for faux Mediterranean vibes)
• 1 clove garlic, minced (or 3, if you want to make friends leave faster)
• 1 small bunch parsley, chopped (the only green thing you’ll eat this week)
• 1 small bunch mint, chopped (not just for mojitos)
• Salt and black pepper, to taste (aka enough to cover your inadequacies)
• Cherry tomatoes, halved (optional, for color and to pretend you’re healthy)

Step-By-Step Instructions: Just Like Therapy, but Tastier

1. Cook the orzo. Fill a saucepan with salted water, bring to the boil, and add orzo. If you mess this up, I’d love to see how you function elsewhere in life. Cook according to the packet (usually 8–10 minutes). Drain, rinse and pretend you know what al dente means.

2. Prep the cheese. Slice that block of halloumi into slabs. Not thin, not thick—just like your patience.

3. Grill the halloumi. Heat a non-stick pan or griddle over medium-high heat. No, you don’t need oil unless you like cleaning up splatter. Grill halloumi 2–3 minutes per side until golden and starting to squeak, which is its way of crying for help.

4. Make the orzo fabulous. In a giant bowl (because who’s ever said, "I wish this bowl was smaller!"), combine the orzo, lemon zest, lemon juice, olive oil, garlic, parsley, mint, cherry tomatoes, and plenty of salt and pepper.

5. Serve with attitude. Heap orzo onto plates, top with grilled halloumi, and garnish with extra herbs. Serve warm, or cold if you’re lazy or forgot about dinner entirely.

Tips & Variations: Because You’re Never Satisfied

• Replace parsley or mint with basil if you want to argue with Italians.
• Add roasted vegetables if you’re trying to impress someone on Instagram.
• Swap halloumi for feta, but don’t complain to me when it disintegrates—feta just wants to be left alone.
• Sprinkle chili flakes for a kick, or to mask emotional numbness.
• Prep everything in advance and store in a lunchbox, so you can eat it in public and make others jealous. Or just yourself, on the floor, in pajamas—no judgment.

Nutrition Information: Because Guilt Is the Best Seasoning

Nutrient	Per Serving (serves 2)
Calories	550
Protein	22g
Fat	24g
Saturated Fat	10g
Carbohydrates	63g
Fiber	5g
Sodium	900mg

Values are estimates. If you want to double-check, call a dietitian or your mother.

If you made it to the end, congratulations—you either have excellent taste, nothing better to do, or a strange affection for cheese that squeaks. If you try this at home, let me know in the comments how you improved it. (Because you will, and you’ll want to brag.)