Loaded Fries

Welcome to the Loaded Fries Intervention Session

Let’s be honest: loaded fries are what happens when someone tries to turn a side dish into a cry for help. If your idea of a balanced diet is fries loaded with everything except self-control, congratulations, you’re not alone – there’s at least one more person (me, writing this) that’s living proof Darwin was onto something.

The premise? Take the world’s favourite fried starch, bury it under so much cheese you’ll need Google Maps to find the potato, and call it a meal. Or, as nutritionists say, "Oh god, please don’t."

Disaster Ingredients: Everything You Shouldn’t Put on Fries

You’ll need:

• 1kg frozen fries (or cut your own if you like pretending carbs are artisanal)
• Cheese: cheddar, mozzarella, and a vague promise it’ll melt
• Bacon bits: because pigs had ambitions once
• Green onions: for the illusion of health
• Sour cream: the moisturiser for your arteries
• Jalapeños: for when regret isn’t spicy enough
• BBQ sauce, ranch, or any condiment you wish you could forget
• Chilli: because why stop at one bad decision?

Optional, but highly recommended if you like your food like your love life—messy and frequently disappointing:

• Pulled pork
• Diced tomatoes
• Guacamole
• That mystery jar in your fridge labeled “Mum’s Relish 2014”

Instructions for Achieving Peak Regret

1. Cook fries according to packet, or deep-fry until your kitchen insurance premium goes up.
2. Layer with cheese. Don’t be stingy—pile it on! After all, dairy is just cow’s way of saying "Live fast, die young."
3. Grill or bake until the cheese achieves a lava-flow consistency scientists still don’t understand.
4. Add bacon bits. Preferably enough to make a vegan weep just by proximity.
5. Throw on everything else: onions, jalapeños, questionable leftovers, whatever.
6. Top with sauces until you’re left with more questions than answers.
7. Eat immediately. Because if you wait too long, nobody admits responsibility.

Tips & Variations (Because Variety Is the Spice of Coronary Heart Disease)

• Going vegetarian? Swap bacon for grilled mushrooms, but be prepared for disappointment (is there a mushroom emoji for sorrow?).
• International Twist: Add curry sauce for some British flair, or use poutine-style gravy if you speak fluent Canadian apologetics.
• Breakfast Fries: Top with a fried egg. Because nothing says "start your day wrong" like cholesterol.
• Spicy Deluxe: Add sriracha, kimchi, hot sauce, or just thoughts of your ex.

Pairings Nobody Asked For

• Cold lager
• Self-loathing
• Vague promises to become a better person tomorrow

Nutrition Information: Prepare to be Slightly Horrified

Let’s be real: If you have to ask, you already know you shouldn’t.

Nutrient	Per Monster Serving
Calories	1,200+
Fat	Enough to lube your arteries
Sodium	Yes
Protein	Marginal comfort
Regret	High
Will to live	Check back after eating

Final Thoughts

Loaded fries: proof humanity peaked with the potato and everything since has been a slow decline. If you’re offended, just remember—so are your internal organs.

Go forth, load those fries, and leave kale for people who hate themselves for different reasons.