Pizza: Not Just for the Cheese Obsessed

Let’s Talk About Pizza (Yes, Again)

Pizza: the only reason Italy is still on the map and your New Year’s resolution is in shambles. Nothing says culinary sophistication like slapping sauce on bread and calling it a meal. If you’re easily offended, you’ve come to the right place—my kitchen, my rules, my questionable pizza.

What’s Actually in Pizza: The Suspicious Ingredient List

Before we get started, here’s what you’ll need. If you don’t have these, well, maybe cooking isn’t your thing. There’s always instant noodles.

• 1 pizza base (homemade, store-bought, or stolen. Don’t steal.)
• 1 cup tomato sauce (more if you’re trying to drown your sorrows)
• 2 cups mozzarella cheese (triple if you want your arteries to notice)
• Whatever toppings survived in your fridge: pepperoni, mushrooms, onions, olives, pineapple (for people who like chaos)
• Olive oil: because heart disease hasn’t met Europeans yet
• Dried oregano, basil, or whatever dried green things are in your pantry

Step-by-Step Instructions: Or, How to Ruin a Pizza in 5 Easy Steps

1. Preheat your oven to 475°F or just as hot as your existential dread.
2. Slap (yes, slap) the pizza base onto a tray. Pretend you’re on TV, but without the talent.
3. Smear tomato sauce generously. This is your chance to express creativity, or aggression. Your choice.
4. Dump (don’t sprinkle) your cheese. If some falls on the counter, consider it a snack for later.
5. Toppings! Pile them on until the pizza resembles your love life: confused and overcrowded.
6. Drizzle olive oil like a chef with delusions of grandeur.
7. Throw in the oven. Bake for 12-15 minutes, or until you forget you started cooking.
8. Remove, cut, and eat it like you’ve never seen food before.

Tips, Tricks, and Variations for the Brave (or Desperate)

• Carbonize your crust if you like the taste of burnt dignity.
• Gluten-free bases exist for people with more money than sense.
• Vegan cheese: for those who believe pizza should taste like nothing at all.
• Add pineapple and then prepare for relentless judgment from everyone.
• Want a salad on top? Fine. It’s your emotional support pizza.

Pro Tip: If you mess up, just say it’s “rustic.”

Nutrition Information: Loosely Defined

Let’s not pretend pizza is health food, unless your definition of health is emotional satisfaction and self-loathing. Here’s what you’re probably consuming per average slice:

Nutrient	Per Slice (Est.)
Calories	280-350
Protein	12g
Carbs	36g
Fat	11g
Regret	Off the charts

Eat two slices and call it balance, eat four and call it denial. Up to you.

Ready for More? Or Have You Had Enough?

So there you have it: pizza, the unofficial sponsor of cheat days. If you’re not offended yet, you will be after your third slice. Share this recipe, or don’t—it’s not like I’m watching. (But I am.)