Pork Pig Spit Roast

Welcome to the Pinnacle of Gluttony: The Pork Pig Spit Roast

If you’re reading this, either your cholesterol is way too low or your ego is way too high. The humble pig spit roast: the caveman solution for when you invite 50 people over and accidentally serve them burnt hot dogs. It’s the ancient art of spinning a mammal on a stick until it’s crispy, delicious, and unrecognizable. Don’t worry, if you’re vegan—just keep repeating, “bacon is murder” into a kale salad and you’ll be fine.

Here’s What You’ll Need (Warning: Actual Animal Involved)

• 1 whole pig (preferably one that’s moved less than you during lockdown)
• 4 cups coarse sea salt (because high blood pressure is just a suggestion)
• 1 cup olive oil (the healthiest thing in this recipe—and that’s not saying much)
• 20 cloves garlic, crushed (it keeps the vampires and friends away)
• 2 cups fresh herbs (rosemary, thyme, or whatever you find dying in the fridge)
• 2 lemons, quartered (to make it look less like an autopsy)
• Pepper (as if it’ll make a difference)
• 1 large spit and rotisserie kit (or an engineering degree and lots of sticks)

Step-by-Step: Hog Heaven

1. Secure a Pig – This is not a drill. Or maybe it is if you live on a farm. Ask your butcher for a whole pig. If they ask why, simply reply, “My therapist suggested it.”
2. Clean and Prep – Rinse your pig like you’re pretending to care about salmonella. Remove the innards unless you enjoy surprise snacks.
3. Marinate the Beast – Rub the pig all over with oil, salt, garlic, and herbs. Don’t be gentle. This is not a spa day for pigs.
4. Truss It Up – Bind those legs and stuff lemons where the sun doesn’t shine. That’s right: colonize those cavities with citrus for flavour.
5. Impale & Balance – Thread the spit through from mouth to—let’s call it "the exit." Secure tightly, unless you like porky rockets launching into your neighbour’s yard.
6. Start the Fire – Build a charcoal fire pit bigger than your last existential crisis. Preheat until a thermometer reads “abandon hope.”
7. Roast & Rotate – Cook low and slow, spinning the pig for 5-7 hours. If it starts talking, you’ve overdone it.
8. Check Temp – When internal temp hits 160°F (71°C), you’re done. Or just eat when the skin cracks like your self-esteem.
9. Rest & Carve – Let it sit, then carve with bravado—and a chainsaw if needed. Serve with an apology to your vegan friends.

Tips, Tricks, and More Ways to Annoy Your Neighbours

• Don’t skimp on basting. Every 30 minutes, slather with juices for that glossy magazine look.
• Host this event for neighbours you’d like to terrify or impress. Either way, you win.
• Make crackling by cranking the heat for the last 30 minutes. Because arteries are overrated.
• If you mess it up, blame the weather. Or kids. Or the pig’s horoscope.
• Leftovers? Try pork sandwiches, tacos, or use as an aggressive peace offering.

Essentially: Here’s What You’re Eating

Nutrient	Per 100g Roasted Pig Skin-On
Calories	340
Protein	24g
Fat	25g
Sodium	900mg (aka, wow)
Carbs	<1g

Vegetables not included. Please supplement with guilt.

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Are you ready to roast a whole pig? Of course you’re not. But try anyway. Impress some friends. Disappoint others. Achieve meat-induced enlightenment.

Still here? Go forth with your stick, your swine, and your questionable life decisions.

Try, Fail, Repeat

Remember: If your pig comes out burnt, it’s “smoky.” If it’s raw, it’s “deconstructed.” If it’s delicious, it’s a miracle. Welcome to the club.