Rubens

Let’s Get Rubenesque: The Sandwich That Outranks Your Tinder Matches

Congratulations—you’ve clicked on an article titled "Rubens." That means you have exceptional taste, or you misread the menu after six mimosas. Either way, you’re here now, so let’s talk about Rubens, the sandwich so decadent it managed to be more famous than its namesake Baroque painter, and certainly tastier. Unless you’re into eating oil on canvas, in which case you might want to consult another blog—or a therapist.

What, you thought a "Rubens" was an art appreciation class? No, it’s a heap of meat, cheese, and regret, sandwiched between two slices of bread. If you’re offended by my sarcasm, remember: I’m the tomato in your culinary salad, and I’m here to keep things fresh—and mildly acidic.

Everything You Need for a Cardiac Adventure

Forget kale chips, the Rubens is what your taste buds fantasize about while you’re pretending to like quinoa. Here’s what you need:

• 2 slices rye bread (pumpernickel, if you want to feel adventurous or continental)
• 3-4 oz corned beef (or pastrami, if you enjoy chaos)
• 2 slices Swiss cheese (Emmental, for extra fanciness or midlife crisis)
• 1/4 cup sauerkraut (fermented cabbage, because you’re classy)
• 2 tbsp Russian dressing (featuring just enough mystery to worry Interpol)
• 1 tbsp butter (for frying, and for living dangerously)

Extra Points for:

• Pickles (for the Instagram shot)
• Chips (for the crunch)
• A defibrillator (safety first, rebels)

Step by Step: How to Make the Calories Worth It

1. Butter the bread. Both sides. Not the moral high ground. Do you want flavor or self-respect? Butter = flavor.
2. Layer up. One slice of bread, a slice of cheese, the corned beef (pile it on like your bad life choices), generous sauerkraut, then another slice of cheese. Finally, the top slice of bread.
3. Russian dressing. Slather it. This is not the time for modesty.
4. Fry like your cholesterol doesn’t exist. Medium heat, until your masterpiece is golden brown and the cheese is doing what cheese does best—a steamy, slow-motion meltdown.
5. Flip it. If you can’t flip a sandwich, now’s a great time to try cryptocurrency. Cook until the other side looks as beautiful as your last vacation filter.
6. Serve. Slice on the diagonal because that’s how adults eat sandwiches. Bonus points if you stare dramatically into the middle distance before taking your first bite.

Eat Like You Mean It: Tips & Variations

• Substitute turkey if you’d like your Rubens to taste like disappointment.
• Swap out Russian dressing for Thousand Island if you can’t find Russian—because, honestly, who understands borders these days?
• Ever considered a vegetarian Ruben? Don’t. (But if you insist, swap meat for thick slabs of grilled tempeh and expect the universe to judge you.)
• Add extra sauerkraut if you want your digestive tract to take up interpretative dance.
• Microwave the sandwich if you hate yourself and want to announce that to everyone in the open office kitchen.

Nutrition: Peace of Mind or Piece of Heart Attack?

Nobody eats a Rubens for their health—but here’s what you’re signing up for:

Nutrient	Per Serving
Calories	650-800 (YOLO)
Protein	28g
Fat	45g (hello dad bod!)
Carbs	41g
Sodium	1800mg (gulp)

Warning: Actual experience may vary depending on your self-control and the size of your bread. If your Fitbit explodes, don’t blame me.

Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You

If you’re after the lean, green, clean-eating dream, please close this tab. For everyone else, welcome to the dark (rye) side. Make one Rubens, and you’ll never trust a salad again.

Final Thoughts

Trust me, life’s too short to regret a Rubens. Plus, they’ve never found a kale smoothie in a Renaissance painting. Coincidence? I think not.

Go forth. Build. Crisp. Devour. And prepare witty excuses for your cardiologist!