Seafood Salad: Dangerously Delicious

Welcome to Seafood Salad: For Those Who Fear Neither Mercury Nor Social Rejection

Congratulations, gourmet thrill-seeker! Today, you’ve bravely clicked on a recipe that stinks up kitchens and friendships alike: seafood salad. This dish boldly answers the question, "What if I combined expensive grocery shopping with the terrifying possibility of food poisoning?" Because nothing says "I love you" quite like chilled cephalopods and crustaceans marinating in creamy dressing.

If you’re looking for a dish to bring people together, make pizza. If you’re looking for a dish to weed out the weak, confusing, and shellfish-intolerant from your social circle, keep reading.

The Ingredients: Because Who Doesn't Love Expensive Shopping Lists?

Here’s what you’ll need to disappoint your accountant and impress your enemies:

• 200g cooked shrimp (peeled, unless you hate your dentist)
• 150g crab meat (real or "krab" — fool your guests, fool yourself)
• 100g calamari rings (bonus if you buy the tentacle variety for texture, nightmares)
• 1 celery stick, chopped (for your daily "I tried")
• 1 small red onion, sliced thinly—because why avoid onion breath at 3pm?
• 1/2 cup mayonnaise (full-fat, because salad is a scam)
• Juice of 1 lemon (pretend it's organic for extra smugness)
• 2 tbsp fresh dill or parsley, chopped (whichever you’ve overpaid for)
• Salt and pepper to taste (absolutely crucial—seriously, season or suffer)

Optional, for the thrill-seekers:

• 1 small chili, sliced (because why should only your taste buds suffer?)
• 50g cooked octopus, diced (for texture, confusion)

How to Construct Culinary Bravery: Step-by-Step

1. Pretend You Care: Wash your hands, don an apron, and convince yourself this will change your life.
2. Mix the Dreaded Proteins: In a large bowl, unite the shrimp, crab, and calamari. Avoid thinking about the ecosystem you’re disrupting.
3. Veggies for the Illusion of Health: Toss in celery and onion. Stir. Now it’s basically a salad.
4. Dress for Success: In another bowl, whisk together mayo, lemon juice, and your chosen herbs. Add salt and pepper like you’re trying to forget your last relationship.
5. Combine the Chaos: Pour the mayo concoction onto your seafood mix. Channel your inner minimalist Instagram chef and stir gently.
6. Chill (Literally and Emotionally): Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes so the flavours can unite into something edible, unlike your last group project.
7. Serve and Judge: Garnish with more herbs, a slice of lemon, and silently assess your guests’ reaction faces.

Tips & Variations: Because We Can’t All Be Perfect

• Seafood salads love cold, hard cash. Get the freshest seafood possible if you’d like to avoid calling your local GP.
• Hate mayo? Use Greek yogurt—sure, it’s healthier, but are you?
• Add avocado, capers, or sun-dried tomatoes so you can say "inspired by the Mediterranean" while avoiding eye contact with anyone actually from there.
• If you’re feeling extra, serve inside a halved avocado or lettuce cups for an Instagram post that screams, "I don’t value practicality."

What’s in That Bowl? Nutrition That Might Actually Surprise You

Ingredient	Calories (approx)	Sarcasm Value
Shrimp (200g)	210	Too healthy
Crab meat (150g)	140	Questionable origin
Calamari (100g)	92	Chewy dilemmas
Mayo (1/2 cup)	720	Heart attack fuel
Veggies/Herbs	35	Negligible, but green

Total: ~1197 calories per batch. But, hey, it’s technically a salad, and that cancels it all out, right?

Ready to Take the Plunge?

If you’ve made it this far, either you actually like seafood salad, or you’re committed to reading sarcastic prose instead of working. Either way, you’re my kind of person.

So, next time someone asks what you’re bringing to the party, smirk and say, "Seafood salad." Then watch chaos (and potentially anaphylaxis) ensue. For more culinary adventures, or just to question your life even further, bookmark this blog and revisit when your food choices or sense of humor have hit rock bottom.