The Best Full English Breakfast Guide

So You Think You Can Breakfast?

Ah, the Full English Breakfast. The sacred ritual that convinces millions the British palate isn’t completely dead inside. It’s the meal that’s seen more bacon than a police station during free donut day. Are you hungry—or have you just given up on life? Either way, let’s dive into the cholesterol-laced pool together.

Everything that’ll Wreck Your Arteries

Here’s what you’ll need, assuming your doctor hasn’t already staged an intervention:

• Bacon (actual rashers, not the limp, sad kind Americans eat)
• Sausages (the more questionable the meat, the better)
• Eggs (free range, as if the chicken’s feelings matter)
• Black pudding (you know, if eating congealed blood before noon sounds fun)
• Baked beans (preferably in a tin older than your Nan)
• Hash browns (authentic, deep-fried, guilt optional)
• Tomatoes (grilled, so you can say you had a vegetable)
• Mushrooms (the bit that makes you feel cosmopolitan)
• Toast or fried bread (because you need a ‘healthier’ option)

Special mentions:

• If you add avocado, you’re reading the wrong article. Please consult a millennial food blog.
• Ketchup, brown sauce, or existential dread to taste.

How to Make It and Not Burn the Kitchen Down

1. Heat the oven to keep everything warm. You’ll need at least one thing hot in your flat today. 2. Start with the sausages. Fry or grill until brown, not corpse-level black. Even if you want to kill your guests, subtlety pays. 3. Fry the bacon. It should be crispy, not a tragic limp flag. 4. Fry the eggs. Sunny-side up, unless you hate happiness. 5. Mushrooms and tomatoes in the pan. Show them medium heat, don’t waterboard them. 6. Black pudding. A couple of minutes per side unless you want it to bounce. 7. Hash browns. If using frozen, don’t act like you made them from scratch. 8. Warm the beans. Saucepan, not microwave—pretend you have dignity. 9. Toast or fry your bread. Or skip this and accept you’re a monster. 10. Assemble artistically. Or just pile it up, like your failed dreams.

Ways to Ruin/Improve Your Life Further

• Egg poaching? Now you’re just being pretentious.
• Vegetarian version? Don’t. Just… don’t.
• Add fried onions if you really want no one to sit next to you before 2pm.
• Spice it up with chili flakes. Because why not make breakfast a painful memory?

"If you can finish a Full English and still walk, you’re not doing it right."

Nutritional Suicide, By the Numbers

Let’s not sugarcoat it—unless you’re about to eat those beans:

Ingredient	Calories	Fat (g)	Regrets (units)
Bacon (2)	200	16	7
Sausage (2)	300	26	8
Eggs (2)	180	14	3
Black pudding	120	10	9
Hash browns	150	8	4
Baked beans	120	1	2
Toast (2)	150	4	3
Tomatoes/Mush.	50	0.5	1
Total	1,270	79.5	Literally all

"Breakfast of Champions?"

Pull quote: “Nothing says ‘productive day ahead’ quite like eating enough to paralyze a racehorse.”

Finished? Well Done!

You’ve either just made the greatest meal in history or a cry for help. Either way, enjoy your Full English—with a side of mockery, self-pity, and possibly a call to paramedics. Now, get on with your day—if you can still move.