The Ultimate Fish and Chips Guide

Welcome to Carbageddon: The Fish & Chips Experience

You want the ultimate fish and chips? Good. You’re about to read instructions clearly written by someone who cares more about cholesterol than your happiness. I mean, when it comes to British cuisine, this is basically the holy grail—if the holy grail was battered, deep-fried, and served with enough salt to embalm a mummy.

What You’ll Need (Ingredients—if you’re old-fashioned like that)

• 4 white fish fillets (cod or haddock—if you use tilapia, I judge you quietly)
• 1 cup plain flour (plus extra for dusting your self-esteem)
• 1 cup cornflour (cornstarch for our friends across the ocean, who think chips come in bags)
• 1 teaspoon baking powder (helps with fluff; sadly, doesn’t work on personality)
• 1 teaspoon salt (just the start of your sodium journey)
• 1 cup cold beer (lager—because nobody ever wrote a song about fish and stout)
• 4 large potatoes (preferably with more substance than a reality TV star)
• Oil for deep frying (go big or go to the salad bar)
• Malt vinegar, lemon wedges, tartar sauce—basically, condiments to disguise what you’ve just done

Follow These Steps If You’re Capable (Instructions)

1. Peel and cut the potatoes into chunky chips. Not fries—chips. Let them soak in cold water, because even spuds need therapy. 2. Heat your oil in a massive pan or deep fryer. Make it about 180°C. That's 350°F for Americans—who probably deep-fry everything anyway. 3. Mix the batter! Combine plain flour, cornflour, baking powder, and salt. Pour in icy beer. Whisk until it looks like regret on a Friday night. 4. Dust your fish in flour. Then give each fillet a glorious, beer-battered spa day. Drop those babies into hot oil—watch for splashback, especially if you cherish your freckles. 5. Fry fish for 7-ish minutes. Your goal: golden brown and crispy, like a sunburnt tourist but more delicious. 6. Get those chips going. Drain and fry until they’re crispy on the outside, yet fluffy inside—just like politicians, but in reverse. Give them a sprinkle of salt. 7. Serve immediately. Drown in condiments, accept your fate, eat with reckless abandon.

Tips, Twists & Tragedies

• If you want to use air fryers to be healthy, you’re in the wrong article, love.
• Want gluten-free? Replace the flour with gluten-free versions and pretend it's not a crime against nature.
• For extra crunch, double-fry your chips. For extra depression, count the calories.
• Fancy a twist? Try adding paprika or chili powder to the batter. Then prepare to read angry comments from angry pensioners.

"Fish and chips: The only time food tastes better when it's covered in newspaper ink and existential dread."

Your Future, Written in Nutrition Facts

Let's be honest, this is not a salad. The nutritional breakdown:

Component	Calories	Fat (g)	Carbs (g)	Protein (g)
Fish (battered)	350	15	28	22
Chips	400	20	55	6
Condiments	100	8	10	1
TOTAL	850+	43+	93+	29+

Warning: Regular consumption may result in sudden, uncontrollable patriotism or a desire to nap for twelve hours. Enjoy responsibly—or do as the British do, and don’t.